Thursday, July 14, 2005
Nixon's Ghost Speaks to Karl Rove
"Wha...what? Who are you? Did Joe Wilson send you?"
"It's Dick, Karl. I have a message for you."
"Dick Nixon?! You're dead! And I have never met Don Segretti! Don who?"
"Oh, Karl, that's good deniability...a very nice touch there. But I have something else to tell you. It's about your future."
"You don't need to tell me. My future is bright and clear! I don't have the problems of an elected official. I can't be recalled and I'm too valuable to fire. I've got it made. What else can you tell me, Dick?
"Karl, I'm afraid there's a problem. Everyone is focused on you, blaming you for very bad things. The scandal around you is making it difficult for the Bush administration to move forward and accomplish their destiny."
"They wouldn't have a destiny if it wasn't for me! I got them here. President 'Squirrelly' Bush wouldn't even have made it to governor if not for my smart moves. They can't get rid of me. They'd be lost without my plans and tactics."
"The decision is out of your control. A higher authority has decided it's for the greater good if you are removed from these events."
"Yes, I've come to take you to your final judgment."
"But I'm too young! I've got so much left undone! Can't I have a few more months? A year?"
"No, Karl. It's time to go."
"Oh, well... OK, let's go. At least I'm going to heaven."
"What gave you that idea, Karl?" [Nixon laughs] "Are you kidding? You've earned your spot on the express elevator to Hell!"
"But...but you said 'a higher authority'! Isn't that God?"
"Christ on a crutch, no! The higher authority for us is Satan! C'mon, you didn't really think you were doing the Lord's work, did you? What are you, stupid? Now let's go."
[Karl's soul and Nixon's ghost disappear in a flash of flame.]
(An obvious tip of the mouse to Art Buchwald who I've never read much yet still his influence is felt.)